Communication is a key life skill, yet not necessarily one that comes naturally to us. Poor communication can lead to all sorts of problems and situations and is often the cause of relationship breakdowns (in whatever form they take).
Recently I had the experience of poor communication with someone. It had been going on for a couple of weeks when I looked back. I felt like they were sending ambiguous messages and not being clear. This could have been for a number of different reasons. Maybe they were trying not to offend or upset me so were being a bit vague. Perhaps they felt uncomfortable and were trying to skirt round the edges. It could have been they were trying to keep their options open or simply they didn’t know what they really wanted and therefore couldn’t be clear. I don’t think it was deliberate but whatever their reasoning, I was left feeling confused, hurt and a little upset.
Now, there is another level to this and it’s where things can get complicated. Just because someone says something, it doesn’t mean it’s heard in the same way by the listener. Our interpretation of a message is influenced by the lenses we look through. If we feel self-conscious or have a perceived weak spot, we’ll often interpret a message through that lens and perhaps become defensive or withdrawn. If we have a good level of self-confidence we are likely to interpret the message differently and not over analyse what was said.
For example, you invite a friend out at the weekend and they say they can’t because they’re busy. Depending on the lens you are looking through you could interpret that response as:
- They have better things to do and you’re not a priority
- They don’t want to spend time with you
If we interpret their response as either of these reasons, then the likelihood is we’ll feel rejected and we may be reluctant to ask them again. However, if we have a good level of self-confidence then we’re more likely to just think they have other commitments and not read anything else into it. (Body language and actions also play a part but that’s another blog!).
This is why it’s important for us to have a good level of self-esteem, otherwise we can end up wrangling all sorts of unhelpful thoughts and emotions.
I have to take some responsibility for the situation that I mentioned above. I could have asked for more clarification about what they meant or given them a nudge when they avoided a question. I also have to take into account my own interpretation of what message they were trying to communicate – what lens was I viewing their messages through?
I always do my best to reflect on experiences so that I can learn and grow. The key points I took from this situation were as follows:
- Get clear on my own boundaries and what I want
- Ask for clarification and address things straight away as they arise
- Don’t link my happiness to someone else’s actions or behaviours
Some of these are easier said than done but now I’m aware of them I can use them to guide my own actions and responses going forward.
Where have you experienced poor communication and what were the consequences?